samuri.co.uk

Right, I’ve never made any claims to like London. It’s an oversized shit hole in my opinion. Don’t take it personally though your pearly kings and queens, I’m not mad keen on any city but London, being the biggest in the uk, also seems to attract the majority of the grade A cock ends. I’ve spent a lot of time in various parts of London but this time it was a mere three days. The list is endless but i’m going to rant away anyway.

The hotel. I’m aware there are many nice hotels down the smoke but the travelodge near Liverpool street station (and I’m, happy to concede that Travelodges should be nothing but minimalist head resting places), was  one of the worst hotels I’ve ever been to, and I’ve stayed in many, many hotels around the world. Lets see, right next to a dodgy block of flats with the gayest double glazing ever which failed to block out the hero shouts of the gangs that gathered outside till 5 in the morning leaving me with 2 minutes sleepy time before the lorries arrived to empty the bins, every fucking day. The taps moved around on their mount and indeed, would wait till oooh, I had just gone to sleep before opening themselves up again. The bed was softer than a skip full of duck pluckings and gave me a bad back. The staff were rude at best and intolerant at worst. (Can I charge a drink to my room? Can I fuck.)  Actually, there’s a thousand more things but I have more to say about London per-se so on we move.

People. Here’s how you get around London, walk really fast and ignore everyone else. Get your ipod on, dress quite well in the city but do not make eye contact with anyone, be rude, be ignorant. Smoke, all the fucking time. I though the North was the worst for smokers but that must just be because we get crapper health care, there are so many smokers in London and they do it all the time, walking along the street which is something you hardly ever see up here.

Bikes. Fucking loads of them, fasands. People in full dress suits, jaw-droppingly beautiful girls riding fixies with no brakes, agressive cocks, law-breakers, enthusiasts, they’re all there, wonderful but terrible.   I really enjoyed sitting at the Bank junction watching bikes fly every which way, which I’d taken my camera but god, learn some manners and rules, and for christs sake, the amount of near misses I saw because people had no brakes. Just fit a front one, there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m a harder rider than you’ll ever be but i have brakes on my fixies because I want to carry on living. I can fixie brake and lock my wheel but it’s never going to stop you as well as a brake will, grow up and fit a brake.

Water. Sorry, I know it’s not your fault but your hard water is shite. Can’t wash in it, which is why you all smell.

The tube. Quite entertaining really, but it’s shit. Go to Paris and see how it should be done.

Only one nice thing happened to me when I was there and that was due to a good friend, made all the shit worthwhile.