A big moaning minny
by admin on Feb.26, 2009, under Uncategorized
I was wondering this morning on the way into work, if I’m clinically depressed.
Now normally I would regard people claiming to have depression as bitching wusses who just need to MTFU and stop complaining. Life is pretty shit most of the time and the only time it gets any good is just before it’s getting ready to knock your feet out from under you and give you a quick kick in the bollocks. Get used to it, it’s not depression, it’s just life. Perspective is of course a wonderful thing and I suspect seriously considering driving my car into a wall might be one of those indications that perhaps things have got a bit much.
Obviously, lots of people percieve depression as nothing to shout about or even banter about light heartedly on a web blog but having done a quick check with doctor www this morning it appears that I have an alarming number of symptoms suggesting I might be afflicted.
Peaks and troughs is the major one I suspect, although mine seem to coincide with what’s happening to me rather than just occurring out of the blue. I can certainly wander from near euphoria to abject apathy or homocidal rage in a matter of hours depending on what input I’m recieving. I certainly havent been sleeping very well for quite some time, worse than normal. I’m not arsed about the future, I really couldn’t care less if I keep my job or not no matter what issues that may create. I’m always knackered although I put that down to not sleeping.
In short, I always assumed this is what everyone’s life was like all the time. It never occurred to me that this wasn’t normal. Maybe it is, I dunno. I’ve always been socially inept, don’t like being around people for any extended periods, highly introvert unless protected by the anonynimity of the internet, lacking in confidence in face to face confrontations. I thought there was a whole generation like me. Not taking pleasure in things? i only enjoy one thing nowadays and and don’t get to do that very often (riding a bike before you get dirty thoughts)
Watching telly though (and I always assumed that regular telly watchers have already accepted their depression and embrace the virtual world they see in the box), there are people who have leaky bladders and poorly tummies who look happy and have social lives. Even some of the people getting cancer treatment look quite chirpy most of the time and they’re got things far worse than me…. if I’ve got things bad, I’m not sure. That’s another sign of depression you know, uncertainty.
Maybe I need a good walk round a renal hospital ward to remind me of just how lucky I am.
if I was going to top myself even that has it’s own set of problems. I’ve no problem with doing the act, it’s the legalities associated with that are the issue. If you commit suicide most of the your life insurance and pension payments don’t come through for your family. If you just disappear then your family get nothing for 8 years! So you have to fake your suicide, make it look like an accident. Car crash, mountain bike accident, open water swimming problems. And it’s much harder to make something look like an accident than it is to do it properly. Maybe people who actually do it don’t care about these things.
Maybe that comes next, at the moment I’m just not interested in anything, even finishing this blog…..
February 26th, 2009 on 3:06 pm
Bloody hell John, thats a bit erm…..depressing (sorry) but driving to work* would make anyone contemplate topping themselves. I think you need to get out on your bike a lot more. I only know you from what you write here but as your annual mileage has gone down so has the tone/mood of your posts, even your rants aren’t as venomous as they used to be. Hope your feeling better soon.
*I assume thats when you considered the car/wall interface
February 26th, 2009 on 3:51 pm
…and people not spelling your name right will probably not improve your mood either, oops.
February 26th, 2009 on 4:53 pm
If I were you I’d be booking some time off work. 2 weeks at home, daytrips, bikes…not on call…
There’s lots of it about at the moment, probably for economic reasons I guess. 2 lads at our place are presently off sick with depression (one who seems to have lost his marbles really – found sleeping in his car in Millom, 2 days after initially going missing). It seems that if you speak to your GP about it he’ll automatically just sign you off for a month or so then pack you on your way to the chemist for a bag of sweeties as well.
February 26th, 2009 on 5:28 pm
Again I only “know” you from reading your blog for a while now, but this post was a bit of a shock. Got no advice on mental well being, though suggestions in comments above seem sensible. I just want to say how much I really like reading the blog – it is always the first one I check to see if any new content. Particularly like the knobhead car driver rants. Hope things improve.
February 26th, 2009 on 7:52 pm
Um, most if that seems pretty usual to me Jon so there’s at least 2 of us! I’ll meet up with you for the ride we discussed soon.
February 26th, 2009 on 10:53 pm
If you do have depression, you’ll be joining an awfully big club (oh, to be a statistic). I showed your blog post to my fiancee, who’s also got depression, and she thought that you seem to be showing many of the symptoms. But we can’t tell you if you’ve got it or not, go see the doctor and ask him (or her, this is a multi-cultural world after all). Go tell them the story you’ve told us and see what they say. As I said before, it’s a pretty common thing these days (tell people you’ve got it and count the number who admit they;e got it too) and could be caused by a number of things, including stress (not that you have ever suffered from stress!).
There are several different treatments for it, and you do get a say in which treatment you would get, but the earlier it’s treated, the better. so don’t tell us, go find out. you never know, you might get some time off work!
One thing to remember though, is that treatment for depression isn’t “happy pills”, just “normal pills”. ie they won’t make you gaga, but they should put you in a state to be happy or sad, depending on what’s going on, rather than just pissed off all the time.
of course, you’ve got to filter all this through your “grumpy old man” persona!
dave
February 26th, 2009 on 11:56 pm
Heck ! Unlike you I strugged to write about how I feel so in short :-
On the whole your writtings are an utter joy to read and make me laugh out loud.
Sensible people have the thoughts you express because they can think and reason for themselves, I would say its a natrual process – but you have the skill to put them into words – and have done so.
As for yourself ? well I met you once at Winter Hill and you were kind enough to offer and spend time showing my friend & I the area – how many people would do that on a Sunday morning ?
If you did chose to see a Doctor I am sure the lack of a sleep pattern would be the first port of call – your recent description of driving with very little sleep over two / three days stunned me and I should have written a comment.
Finally if I could point you in the direction of Terry Wogan on Radio 2 from 7.30 onwards as he is a bit of tonic and often says what I am thinking, only better – a bit like you.
February 27th, 2009 on 1:31 pm
admitting it and talking about it is a good start..
you don’t have to go down the pill popping route sometimes counselling can help.
I would think that the lack of sleep isn’t helping – but then that might be due to worrying about ‘life’ in general and getting more worked up about things.
Go see the doc see what he/she suggests and take it from there. I’d certainly see about coming off call as from your postings it seems to add to your stress levels and means that you can’t chill out with a nice ride as your constantly worrying about being badgered. But that might not be possible with work at the moment.
March 1st, 2009 on 6:09 pm
Either TTFU and get on with it or go to your Doctor and get signed off and go ride your fucking bikes with your mobile at home in a drawer and off.
March 1st, 2009 on 8:24 pm
not sleeping is a symptom. Pills dolby the worst effects. ignoring it will make it worse. talking – out loud to someone is actually helpful. exanmine your life – quantify the good and bad and then actually change something, youv’e paid your mortgage so maybe a career change for something fulfilling if less well paid may be an option.
March 1st, 2009 on 8:31 pm
The pills enable you to get on with things ‘normally’ giving the chance to function and a bit of breathing space
March 2nd, 2009 on 11:21 am
thanks guys. I thought I’d posted already but not according to the comments list, maybe I did and it got deleted by something, or some huge government agency……
Anyway, maybe a doctor is in order, or an affair. or an affair with a doctor, but not mine, cos he’s a bloke. That one off Casualty who exudes domination, Amanda Mealing, she’d be good for an affair…..
March 2nd, 2009 on 10:53 pm
smile, funny, laugh etc. now go see a doctor!
March 3rd, 2009 on 4:08 pm
Set yourself a new challenge, something you’ve never done before… Something you can do but will require work and time, set yourself lots of goals along the way and celebrate them all. Change something in your life that pisses you off.. Job? Talk about it, as has been said above everyone has experienced it themselves or through a loved one. Laugh about it, just don’t turn into a Clown..
Come and have a chat: Shovel horse sh!t or build fences with me. I’ll buy you a beer.
Don’t take the drugs unless you have too.. You’ll know when.
March 4th, 2009 on 9:33 pm
Bloody Hell Jon. When I met you I didn’t immediately think “wooooah screaming mentalist”. Obviously once you’d gone….
I’ve nothing to add other than is one scary post. Next time you’re down in Cheltenham, we should definitely get together for a beer. I’ll show you how the house is falling down and we’re risking complete fiscal ruin. That’ll cheer you up
March 5th, 2009 on 9:06 am
Nah, that’s normal. Every day is like that, isn’t it? TTFU.
On a serious note I wasn’t aware I was the only one who’d put some thought into the pension/life assurance problem though. I figured the easiest way to do it but make it look accidental would just be to go into the middle of town on a friday night and insult the biggest stupidest most tattooed looking inbred, of which you are frankly spoilt for choice.