Fetid Cheese.

So it’s another long day which ends with me falling into bed straight from work and passing out for an hour or so. I wake up, don’t fancy having tea and just slouch around for a while. As is the case then, I’m asked to do many things at once. I think the big ones were sorting out son’s maths homework (the trick is to pretend to be all knowing whilst simultanesouly trying to dredge up the old forgotten knowledge from 30 years ago and blaming any discrepancies on your child.) Anyway, it was only simultaneous equestions so I remembered before it degenerated into finger pointing.

Sorted him out on that, then had to get his scientific calculator talking in decimal rather than fractions. It’s a very clever device but more than a little too clever. That needed a degree in computer science to get it working again.

Next was the bad smell in the kitchen. It smelt like it was coming from the top of the fridge but further investigation suggested it was probably coming from behind the fridge and rising up over the top. Pulling the fridge out a bit suggested a feline animal had shat behind it. Actually the stench grew so strong it suggested the feline in question had been out for a dodgy thai curry, 8 pints of lager and some rotting mice before staggering home and then taking a shit behind the fridge. The further out the fridge came, the worse the smell got. By this point I had two supervisors telling me how to pull a fridge out but they disappeared with alacricy once it was all the way out, what a surprise.

I had to open the kichen door to the back garden at this point just so I could breathe, The dog was taking advantage of my choking to attempt to worm it’s way down the back of the fridge to find out just what that DELICIOUS smell was so she got locked out at this point. Grab a torch and peer around, no car shit but still throat graspingly vile aroma. Fridge right out and by now my eyes are bleeding.

Ahah! There it is, the drain tray on the back of the fridge is filled with what looks like liquid cheese. A quick shake suggests it is still volatile so movement needs to be gentle, easier said than done with a full fridge over a tiled floor. I finally get the fridge out the back door (emptying it first made a big difference ), and then tipped it out onto the patio. The cheese had the consistency of treacle with a lovely water like surface texture. You’d think, with it being aoutside and everything, the smell would diminish but as I watched the grass turned black and the external house paintwork began to peel. This would require liberal hosing and bleaching I think.

About an hour later I was still scrubbing away. By now I’d gone through a full spray bottle of dettol, a full bottle of bleach and most of our rags/tea towels/paper towels. The smell was still there but slowly turning into a bad memory. The fridge was spotless, the kitchen tiles had been polished to a deep shine and the patio had been brushed and hosed that many times it was 10mm lower.

It looks like, some whipping cream had been spilt inside the fridge into the drain at the back. (You know what it’s like when you need to quickly grab for some cream). The drain plug was not inserted (this is totally, 100% my wife’s fault ) so it slowly dripped down into the external drip tray which sits on top of the pump/refridgeration unit which warmed it up nicely giving us the wonderful experience I have described.

I say ‘we’, after I staggered into the lounge at about 11:30 , beer bottle in bleach corroded hand, I was met with the sight of my wife and son fast asleep on the couch in front of the telly.  It’s a hard life.

Ride Entry – 29th March 2009

Bike: Vela
Distance: 79 miles

Sweet. Spent most of yesterday in a trance, my wife started to get worried about me but I perked up in the evening. Slept about half the day., not sure what that’s about. Finally got up enough energy to look at my Vela which has been giving me grieve since I built it up, never had a proper run on it and never had it working right. I finally got the front mech working mostly properly by leaving a bit of slack in the cable, sorted out the creaky front hub and added a wider spacer to the headset which simultaneously sorted out the gentle rocking and lifted the front high enough to stop my back hurting (amazing what a couple of mill difference will make).

Pulled open the curtains to reveal a still and sunny day, if a bit cold. Actually a lot cold, ice on the roads and lots of frost. So it started out a bit chilly but got warmer quickly. I ended up going a lot further than I intended to because it was all going so well. Ended up going to Liverpool by country lanes, then up to Southport and back via country lanes. Really nice ride.

Ride Entry 27th March 2009

Bike: humuhumunukanukaapau’a
Distance: 17 and 18 miles

The last commute. To this office anyway, it’ll be sadly missed, it’s a great ride and having showers and changing areas is fantastic, even if they do stink. All offices should have them by default, I think we’d see a massive increase in people commuting by bike.

Now to start harranging the facilities people at my new office. I upset the last lot (I’ve had three different offices in 1 month) by suggesting they weren’t even trying after getting frustrated with listening to their vague and defensive reasoning behind how it wasn’t possible so lets see how far I get with this lot. At least they can’t say there’s no room at the new place, it’s massive. Mind you, I have a desk the size of a tea tray, I wonder if that is against the law…..

Anyway, the ride was extremely windy and wet. I flew going home though. And I got attacked by a swan on the canal bank. It flew up behind me and pecked my helmet and then tried to land on my head with it’s feet with it’s wings beating around my head. Didn’t break my arm though. Must have been protecting a nest or something. Smug fucker then landed on the canal and hissed at me.

Ride Entry – 24th March 2009

Bike: Humuhumu
Distance: 32 miles

Last night was windy and wet so I anticipated this morning being the same but not so. OPened up the curtains to reveal a slowly rising sun, listless trees and a crisp frost shell over the wife’s car. This was going to be great!

Which of course it was. Big freaking smile splitting my face in half all the way to work. Absolutely loved it. Nice shower, sit down to work…..which is when it all started to go tits up.

Because i’ve moved desks, but not phones, it is now possible for me to be on my desk phone, hear my old phone ringing in the background and have my mobile buzzing away too. Modern communication methods also ensure people can hassle me via Instant messenger and email simultaneously. Give me a fucking break! There was always one of these things clamouring for my attention, usually at least two and more often than not, three. As a result, the list of things I actually had to do today didn’t even get looked at, and the number of unread emails in my inbox just about doubled (I was so proud yesterday when I got it down to 90).

So no doubt everyone thinks I’m shit because everything I am doing is being done badly. Actually I had a bit of a moment at around 3 and had to stare out of the window for a bit. Something in my eyes I expect. That’s not good. Then I found out that our move to our new office has me sitting at what was described as ‘a half desk’ and ‘a bit curvy’. Fucking great. I could have sworn I was reasonably senior on the implementation and support side of things but clearly not.

Then my wife phoned me up for an argument and then it was time to go home. At least *this* will be good. Nope, pissed it down, and winded it down. A bad combination. Got home, still fairly upset at my workload, tried to nap, mind going too fast. Working now, probably till midnight.

I believe I am going to get pissed. Oh, and I applied for a job today. Sounds a little bit junior, so will probably pay shite but it’s a fine bike ride to the offices and as a good friend pointed out, low pay is only temporary if you’re good. And to be quite frank, getting paid peanuts and having a life would be a fantastic fucking world away from what I’m doing now.

Ride Entries – 17/18th March 2009

Bike: humuhumunukanukapaua’a
Distances: 32 and 33 miles.

Brilliant, brilliant commutes. Quiet, nice weather, lots of offroad, experimentation. Just fucking great. Being able to have a shower once I get to work is awesome, and proper changing rooms and storage. It’s like heaven. I’d take a 30% pay cut to have that permanently. It makes such a difference to the day riding in and out. Of course, I’m so freaking happy, I need a good kick in the teeth to bring me back down to earth so my boss tells me we’re moving out soon, over to a building only a few miles away which granted, is a much nicer building, but it ain’t got no showers or storage. It does have a bike rack which had about 7 bikes in it today which was encouraging but it’s right in the middle of a big housing estate so I expect thos epeopel only ride in a mile or so. Still, I asked if they’d mind me using the disabled bogs for washing and chainging in and they’re looking into it. Here’s hoping.

In other news I’ve been working all night. I’m working tomorrow night despite being on holiday and I’ll still be working Saturday night even though the original work has been cancelled. I fucking hate my job and the company I work for but it’s better than being unemployed.

Ride Entry – 15th March 2009

Bike: humu
Distance:25 miles

Wow, how far behind my *target* am I getting? Still, I’m enjoying riding my bikes when I do it a lot more this year. A lot more. And today was good. The humu, despite being old, is a really good offroad bike. Very stable on rocky descents. These tyres are pants though, I’ll be glad when I’ve worn them out. Had to be fast because of family stuff in the afternoon.

Ride Entry – 13th March 2009

Bike: Humu
Distance: 30 miles

So I bring my kit in yesterday, leave it in the changing room and lock my laptop in a cupboard before I leave.
Up at 5, Get ready nice and leisurely, take dog out, out at about 5:45. Sweet. Bit nippy but no wind and the sun is about to come up. I have chosen a grade A excellent route. All leafy suburbia, no cars on the road, lovely and quiet, birds chirping, humu wirring away quietly. Get to the start of the offroad bit, this is 8 miles of pure cheek. I’ve not surveyed this so it’s pot luck if it works or not. It’s completely sweet! Bit muddier than I anticipated but deserted, narrow, beautiful and fun. My mood is picking up massively. I pootle along very happily for a number of miles, I see no road, no houses, only some fences and the railway line which keeps popping into view on my left remind me I’m riding along through the Manchester-liverpool living belt. I see the motorway in the distance and by the time I get to the bridge that passes under it I’m convinced I’m going to have a sex wee in my shorts.

Things stay happy until I get deep into Sankey Valley Park which is like a freaking maze. Plus they’re building a load of new paths so instead of leaving the old ones for the time being, they dig them up to leave a ploughed field. This does little to dampen my mood though and after a bit of too-ing and fro-ing I find a path I recognise and sprint along to the BMX track in sankey bridges. Now it’s a couple of miles road to work, BONUS, cycle path, didn’t realise that’d be there.

I sprint into site and lock my bike up, I bet it’s not needed but better safe than sorry eh? Into the social club. Now I’ve not really checked this place out before but it’s fine. The changing room is a true man’s haven. No women are allowed in here, unless they’ve appeared in a paper or a calendar with their knockers out in which case they get stuck to the wall. There’s a book shelf filled with muscle and porn mags. It’s slightly worrying actually.

I’m the only one there though so no problem. I go and get a shower and they’re actually pretty good. There’s three and the water pressure is good, temperature is nice and controllable, way better than I expected. I finish and get changed, there’s radiators to leave my coat and towel on.

And now I’m at my desk, like a smug twat. And like sex, I fully intend to do it again very soon.

Bet I get moved to a different site next week.

The ride home was even better. I added more offroad and everything was great, but then I got called out and worked till 9:30. I hate my job, but it pays really well, truth be told. Sooner or later I’m going to accept that’s not enough and ditch it. Like monday.

Ride Entry 7th March 2009

Bike: Vela
Distance: 34 miles

This was never going to be a weekend which consisted of big rides and right (still working at 3:40 am Sunday morning), it looks like that’ll be the only ride i’ll be getting this weekend. Still, I nipped out for a sprint. I’ve adjusted the bars and seat on the Vela to try and stop my back hurting and it’s still not right. The bike simply isn;t comfy and for a bike I want to be doing a 300 mile ride in a day on, that’s not a good thing.

Anyway, I adjusted bits and went for a ride, for the most part it was great although there are a great many people on the road on Saturday morning who cannot drive for toffee. As an example.

You are driving along in your car which makes you king of all creation when a scummy cyclist has the nerve to be in front of you. You are approaching a set of traffic lights which are on red, The brain dead cyclist puts his right hand out like that means anything and then (unbelievably), moves out in front of you when you wanted to turn right. Do you:-

a. Wait behind him
b. Drive right up behind him really fast and beep your horn.
c. Floor your nissan micra for all it is worth, catch up with him, scream past him at maximum velocity into oncoming traffic and then actually lock up your car tyres because you have to brake so hard for the red light?

Answers on a speeding ticket please.

My back didn’t hurt when I got home but then I sat down for a bit after my shower and my back started giving me real gyp for a while. Coincidence? Maybe, we’ll see.

Ride Entry – 1st March 2009

Bike: Chameleon
Distance: 24 miles

Went out early, rode fast. Front brake pad came off backing, brake squealed all the way round and obviously, didn’t work very well. Pike, whisky, tangfastics, home.

Got home, started work. pffft.

Ride Entry – 28th February 2009

Bike: LiteSpeed Vela
Distance: 32 miles

New bike, finally built after my Lemond breakage. Trouble is, it seems as the Lemond snapped it took a number of components with it, not least the rear mech and driveside crank. Ho hum. So I can’t possibly afford to buy Ultegra components brand new to replace these with so it’s compromise time. Take the Ultegra rear mech off the crosslight, and buy some nice new (but water damaged), 105 cranks off chain reaction. Half price and they come with a nice coating of mud absolutely free.

Lots of messing about with diddy componentry that won’t move across, fit the forks with their carbon steerer very carefully indeed, I don’t trust that at all. But it’s built and ready. It’s fucking light and no mistake, I’d say the only bike that has come close is the Langster and that had no gears or freewheel.

The other thing the two bikes have in common is their stiffness, the litespeed is completely rigid at the back end which means quick acceleration but a rough ride. And possibly as a result, my bike was killing me after 30 miles. I doubt it though, more likely to be a setup issue, I could ride the Langster all day and never feel a twinge at all.

Fast though.