Ride Entry – 31st May 2009

Bike: Chameleon
Distance: 12 miles

Well first off what a shitty, crappy, boring weekend. I did absolutely 100% of nothing, and the weather was great. Missed pretty much all of it. Just nothing seemed to flow together to make anything nice happen.

Ride then. Read this and it pretty much describes how my entire weekend panned out. Set off nice and early for a full on ride across lots of moors, planned to do 60-70 miles of seriously hard trecking and get back completely goosed. About 6 miles out I was caning it down ‘The Mechanical’, I should know better because there’s a reason this trail is called this but it’s so much fun. About half way down there’s this loud metallic bang and my back brake starts scraping like mad. I roll to the bottom and get off for a look. One of the caliper bolts has snapped in half!!!???? As a result the caliper is twisting slightly and permanently rubbing. I try to fix it but no joy so I take it off, bolt it onto one of my v-brake mounts to keep it still and ride home. (That’s mechanical number 1 – keep counting)

No matter, it’s still early so I can just grab another bike. Zip home, grab the road bike, charge back out. I get a whole half mile this time when my right pedal starts making this horrible grinding noise. Feels like the bearings have popped out or cracked. (That’s mechanical number 2).

Shoot home, swap the pedal out, shoot back out again, no doubt watched by a series of bemused (or more bemused than they normally are by my cycling activities) neighbours. I get oooh, to the top of our road this time. Lean on the pedals to cross the road and CHING, mechanical number 3 hits home! Nothing actually appears to be broken but that was a loud noise and so something clearly is. I roll along for a bit looking down to see what I’ve snapped but it all looks ok, stand on the pedals and this rythmic grind starts every couple of turns or so. Takes me a while to find this one but I’ve snapped one of the chain plates and it’s sticking out and scraping as it goes through the mechs.

Clearly someone is trying to tell me something so I limp back down our road and call it a day.

All fixed now but I simply can’t be arsed going out for an evening ride. Might go out to take some pictures or something though.

Film Review – Star Trek

Not what I expected. Actually a very good film. I really liked the way they introduced the characters from the original series. It only made sense to people over 30 though who had seen the original series. I could see the dads in the audience talking to their sons (as I was) explaining who each character was. It does however break the golden rule of family entertainment… It features time travel which wasn’t very well explained and having two spocks (not just two spocks but two alternative spocks) must have screwed a lot of people’s minds. I’m glad my wife didn’t come with us, that would have taken a lot of explaining. It would have been like that disasterous mistake I made, watching ‘The Matrix’ with her.

But overall, well recommended. Nice to see Leonard Nimoy in it, he’s looking OLD! Zoë Saldana was looking extremely hot as Uhura which is good because I fancied the original quite a bit as a child (although Zoe is rather less well endowed than Nichelle).

Go watch.

Ride Entry – 28th May 2009

Bike:Chameleon
Distance:27 miles

What is it about this bike? I really didn;t feel like going for a ride today but it was my day off so felt a bit guilty not riding. Did some visiting/delivering jobs and got back home by about 12:00. Made myself a bacon buttie then headed out. Had to come back after 5 minutes because these new shorts I’ve got have a hurrendous design flaw. They’re baggies with a padded insert but they’re quite lightweight nylon and when cycling along sat down the nylon is blown back and shows one’s nether regions in surprising detail like a vacum packed turkey. Put another pair of shorts on and I’m off. The lethargy left me after about 10 minutes and I started enjoying myself and really began to fly. By the time I got to rivington I was really shifting and had a big massive smile on my face.

Up to the pike, back home. Way enjoyed that ride, really perked me up. One reason being as I was coming down my 200 yards this couple were coming up pushing their bikes who moved out of the way for me. The girl was simply stunning. Jaw droppingly beautiful, and she smiled at me.

Then I played video games for a bit, went shopping made tea for us all (which rocked awesomely). The only problem on the horizon was that my wifes car seemed to run out of oil on her way back from her brothers. Not sure why that is but it’s been serviced recently, I suspect they’ve left something loose. Fucking Audi garages. Their cars are ace but the after care blows hugely. Crap and costs a fortune. Anyway, when the oil light came on she phoned me so I told her to stop and went out to meet her with some oil. It’s not leaking as far as I can tell which could be bad news (but it did need oil), it might mean it’s burning it (although when I followed her home there was no smoke). Not sure now. Best take it to a trusted local garage before firing one up Audi’s arse.

Ride Entry – 24th May 2009

Bike: humuhumunukunukuapaua’a
Distance:90 miles

Great day for a ride. Sunny and warm, not much wind. Went a long way, all the way over to Southport via the Transpennine trail, got lost coming back and meandered around a bit before finding my way to Chorley.  Bad choice though. The Humu is fine for commuting on but it’s a bit uncomfortable after a while in the saddle, probably needs a shorter stem. None of this was helped by the back wheel grinding away for the last 30 miles. It wouldn’t even spin freely, bloody hard work making it turn. (I serviced it today, the right hand side bearings were bone dry).

I was completely knackered for the rest of the day, my shoulders and arms will still hurting today for some bizarre reason.

Ride Entry – 17th May 2009

Bike:Vela
Distance:47 miles

Nice morning for it. Bit windy. Actually, really windy. But sunny. Charged round. Went over to Manchester because I’m bored with local routes. Went right through the town centre, Trafford, Sale, Carrington. Back over Warburton bridge. Didn’t realise quite how hard I’d been pushing till I got home and felt my legs. 19mph average. That hurt quite a bit. Which is good considering the wind.

Passed lots of riders, warp speed most of the time. A couple tried to match me so it was balls out until they were dropped. One chap with tri bars stuck on my wheel with me doing all the work for a good 5 miles (I backed off a couple of times to let him take the lead but he just stayed there not saying a word) before we came to a long hill when I really stuck it down and he was gone. That almost gave me a sex wee.

Oh and in Carrington, this chap made to cross the road with his dog, he looked and saw me but the dog didn’t and just ran out. Not sure what would have happened had I been in a car or not been the awesome bike handler that I am but a very sharp dive later and I was round the mutt.

Ride Entry – 12th May 2008

Bike: Humuhumukununukuapua‘a
Distance: 13 and 15 miles

Commute. Beautiful day for it. reached work in the morning with barely a sweat on. It’s a bit of a faff getting into work clothes at this place. The cycle shed is round one side of the warehouse, the lockers on another corner and the disabled bogs right at the other end. Involves a lot of walking around with shirts and trousers and towels and things. But still worth it. Leaving, if I don’t want to walk right through the middle of the office in shorts and carrying my trousers on a hanger I have to leave by the main entrance and then right round the edge of the warehouse.

Looks quite nice for riding home, sunny. Bit windy. I plan to ride to the end of the Sankey Valley trail to add a bit of mileage on. Plus the trail tends to be populated almost entirely by attractive young ladies at this time of day, which is always a bonus. I meander around a bit and get completely lost until I finally find an entrance into the trail. Happy, I surge forwards and almost immediately a beetle the size of a small dog flies straight into my mouth and gets jammed in my gullet. I fall off the bike choking and my head is filled with the chattering sound of the insect’s chaffcutters banging away whilst it’s formidable pincers no doubt gorge themselves on the soft tissue at the back of my throat.

The bang to the ground dislodges the thing and with a huge cough, I eject the flem covered beast, still clutching half a pound of larynx tissue in it’s mouth onto the floor where it burrs a bit and then flies off unsteadily, struggling hard to maintain airspeed velocity due to the dripping mass of meat clamped firmly between it’s mandibles.

This is all mostly lost on me because I have entered a coughing fit who’s objective appears to be to forcibly detach my lungs from my ribcage and deposit them on the floor. To facilitate this ejection, my body lubricates my bleeding throat, mouth, tongue and the grass with a liberal coating of red frothy spittle and bile.

To recap then, I am on my hands and knees on the grass next to a fallen bike  with a courier bag (my new NorthWave one which is great!) wrapped around my neck, coughing up a disgusting blend of blood, vomit and lung tissue while my body involuntarily bucks and grinds in sympathy.

It is now of course, that one of the aforementioned hunnies walks round the corner and gets her first ever look at me. I’m presuming she’s attractive but with at least one eyeball now resting on my cheek and the other filled with half a litre of brine, it’s hard to say. Clearly I could be a drug ravaged bum merely clearing out the toxins from my body before embarking on yet another rage filled mugging and rape session for all she knows so she approaches me carefully.

She enquires after my health. If I still had an esophagus I could reply in the affirmative pointing out this is merely temporary and not normal behaviour but I just bang the ground. A crowd gather but as the coughing subsides it’s obvious I’m going to live so most of them wander off.  The lovely lady remains though and once I’ve wiped the sweat and tears from my eyes, I find out she is extremely attractive and has a quite wonderful manner of talking. Unfortunately I probably look like I’ve spent the last 30 minutes being rogered by a well hung bull so the same can certainly not be said for me (no matter how low that particular plateau lies under favourable conditions), so with a quick smile she says goodbye and walks away.

The rest of the ride went great though.

Ride Entry – 11th May 2009

Bike: Handjob
Distance: 26 miles

Blimey, the handjob won’t know what’s hit it! Two rides in two days! My legs certainly didn’t. I was completely screwed after yesterday’s ride, really seriously buggered. I felt sick for the last half of the ride and it was downhill and with a tailwind. Glad to get home where I collapsed until my wife poured a chilli con carne down my throat. No beer tonight though. Just went to bed around 11:00. Commute in the morning.

It’ll take more than that to stop me venting a bit of spleen though.

PIctures will suffice, no words necessary, other than Wigan council, what a bunch of cocks.

Good

Bad

I took a couple of nice pictures I like too.

Ride Entry – 10th May 2009

Bike: Handjob
Distance: 41 miles

Wow, actually got out on my handjob for once. That makes a nice change and I should do it more often because it really is a nice bike. Rides very fast, is reasonably hoppity and feels great.

Rode up to rivington, pottered around, then up to Georges Lane. Saw Matt who didn’t realise who I was a shot off so I chased him for a mile or so. Then we rode up to the mast and split up there. I of course had a pinch flat about 10 metres down the Winter hill run. It actually felt really knackered at the end, probably because me and Matt rode fairly quickly together.

Need to ride more. yes.

First Time Trial

Well that was interesting, especially in high winds. Because of work I couldn’t make Westmead so went local to High Leigh instead.

Nice array of characters there. Old guys with handlebar moustaches, little people, blokes in aero suits on TT bikes with a huge massive fixed gear, me.

I warmed up nicely and then people seemed to start leaving to the start, no mention, just sort of drifted out. I liked that. You had to nip down the road a mile or so but no-one told me, cool.

So it’s 8.75 miles, not a full 10. I’m number 8.

Bloke holds me upright, timer counts down, GO! Power power power! Into a full on million mile and hour headwind but I’ve been clever see? Tight top, lycra shorts, even took the peak off my helmet. I am flying! 22mph!

No-one will ever catch me at this rate, I am a cycling god, I rule the world, I could beat that one bollocked chap…oh, someone just passed me. That’s OK, he’s probably the world champion or something, gives me someone to catch. But he’s shit hot quick. I simply can’t keep up with him. Steroids I’ll bet. The pain is immense! the world becomes one little window of tarmac that needs to be eaten. Except I cocked up.

My target was 22mph average, so I looked at the gps screen and when it said 22mph or more, I was happy and backed off. I could have gone way faster, maybe 50mph or so.

I got passed by two guys.  With aero helmets and TT bikes and big meaty thighs. GET A LIFE!

23mph average over 9 miles. That’s good for my first one but it’s clear there’s a real big mental component involved. You have to be really focussed to keep 100% power up all the way. Next time I’ll not watch my speed and see how I do.

Ride Entry – 3rd May 2009

Bike: Vela
Distance: 10 miles

That’s a short ride samuri! Whatever happened?

Well I’ll tell you shall I? I set off on a training ride for my forthcoming TT debut. The plan was to warm up for a couple of miles. Put an insane amount of power down for ten miles, ride home. A bit like a real TT really, except I would have to negotiate traffic lights and junctions and fuckwits. (You have to negotiate fuckwits on real TT’s too but the loop is generally set up for minimal conflict.)

All starts off OK, warm up, negotiate fuckwits and junctions. Long road into Culcheth starts which seems like a good place to PUT THE POWER DOWN. It’s seriously windy and right in my face (obviously), so I don’t go massively quickly. and I’ve got some hills to come yet too. All goes fine as I ride back round to Golbourne, yep, up a hill, fine, over the main road, fine, up through Hindley. This is where the proper hill starts and since it’s right through the town centre some slack jawed yokel impressing is in order. (Most people who live in Hindley think bikes are for stealing and not much else, I doubt any of them have ever seen a bike go uphill at over 20mph before). And they’re not going to today because as I jump on the pedals there’s this weird slipping feeling and the bike stops behaving like a finely tuned machine.

I stop and have a look. Hmmmm, something doesn’t look quite right.

Turns out the splines had sheared off inside the crank.

Now no doubt this failure is being attributed to my mechanical skills rather than the sheer superhuman power being output below my waist but as most people know, I tend to overtighten rather than undertighten things and the crank bolt was still in nice and tight so I reckon that 105 splines can now be relegated to the overflowing  ‘not up to samuri standards’ box. The bike now has the Ultegra cranks on from my cross bike, hopefully they’ll be man enough. So it’s been an expensive fucking weekend with a whole 35 miles ridden.

Wish me luck on my TT tomorrow. I’m aiming at 27 minutes (for ten miles) . I’ll be really happy if I achieve that but I’m not really much of a sprinter over that sort of distance so I’d not be hugely surprised if I don’t do it. I can ride a very short way very quickly, or ride a very long way quite quickly but the bit in the middle seems to elude me. And I’ve had this chest thing for a while now and it’s really windy at the moment and it’s going to rain and I’m not used to these cranks and it’s my first one, and, etc… etc…