samuri.co.uk

It’s probably my own fault. I don’t normally get excited about holidays but I really freaking needed this one. Work has been insane, we’ve had an awful lot going on at home and I just wanted a break where I could relax, drink beer, do nothing, read. You know.

And we did a fair bit of that. The holiday itself went mostly Ok but to be frank, I fucking hate going abroad with Brits. They’re tossers. Any package tour will have some of the very shitty ones and I understand that so we went self-catering which worked to a degree but you really can’t avoid the little bastards no matter how you do it. All marching around shouting at people in English, wearing football shirts and avoiding all that foreign food. The resort was fairly nice but still reeked of ex-pat and horrendously expensive. Even the local gin/wine was kicking at out brit prices and try and buy a bottle of water for under 2 euros!

Plenty of spaniards though which smoothed things out a bit but the amount of people who take babies abroad is gobsmacking. They cried on the plane, they cried on the coach, they cried in the restaurants and they cried in the apartments. Not to mention the beach, the pool, the bar and the fucking disco.  I wouldn’t have dreamed of taking a baby abroad to a hot country with me when mine was that age but they deserve a holiday god-damn it and no baby is going to stop them enjoying it.  And don’t get me started on brits with their older kids on holiday. ‘Oi! STop doing that!’ (kid carries on kicking shit out of the pool table), ‘Oh kids today, you can’t control them!’…. /walks off to get another beer.

Bullet.

Head.

Kid into army.

It was FUCKING hot though. 39 degrees a couple of days although it’s been explained to me that Britain was also exceedingly warm during the same period. We came back to heavy rain though, obviously.

The real fun started when we got back to the house though. The builders had been round, which was nice of them. We hadn’t actually asked them round. They just felt it was time to start on our conservatory that hasn’t yet recieved planning permission. In doing so they realised my bike shed was in the way. No problem, angle grinder will sort that out. Get rid of two expensive padlocks, move bike shed, throw bikes in the kitchen.  They’ll be fine there.

Also, the decorator, who had been tasked with painting all the woodwork while we and the dog were away, hasn’t. Thanks. Anything else? Ah yes, BT had cut us off, I’d looked at the online bill which said we were up to date so didn’t pay it. Ah no, you have to ignore whatever is written on the overview page and look at the payments page, TSSSK! Re-connection sir? That’s going to cost you. NO IT FUCKING WELL ISN’T. Sort it, by Monday.

I think that’s it.  My teenage son’s head appears to have been possessed by the devil at some point and he hates us both and I’m an overbearing egocentric know-it-all and my wife is a selfish witch who ignores him all the time and embrasses him constantly but apart from that everything is great.

I’m back in work Monday but right now I hope they’ve gone under and I can sit around in shorts and sandals.