samuri.co.uk

Anyone got ‘em?

How much fun was it? Got a tooth coming out on Monday (again), it’s near enough to the front to be visible so faced with the option of

1. Looking less beautiful than I do now
2. False teeth
3. Bridge
4. Implant

I’m going for option 4. Clearly I’m passing down the path of greatest masochistic impact both to my wallet (you could buy a *really* nice bike for that much!) and to my rapidly dwindling patience for the succession of european dentists that seem to be rotated daily at our surgery, not to mention the sheer bowel loosening pain that the procedure entails as the aforementioned Spaniard/Irish/Hungarian dentists fressh out of dentist school slashes randomly away at my gum with a scalpel to expose the bone before drilling a dirty great titanium bolt in.

It’s a well known fact that I can’t make any plane journey without being identified as ‘fairly suspicious’ and being subjected to one of the standard body searches ranging from ‘a good old fondle of the crotch’ to ‘violently intrusive cavity search’ but after this procedure I’m sure I’ll be setting off the metal detectors every time I try going on holiday to the extent where the question ‘why is dad walking funny?’ is no needed.

Maybe I should just live with the gap, it probably won’t be long before another tooth needs coming out and I can hardly afford to spend £1200 each time the dentist needs to top up his Bahamas fund.

It wouldn’t be quite so galling (ok, well it would but it’s a nice opener), if they hadn’t *just* spent over an hour drilling away at this particular tooth and glueing a fake one on top of the root. You’d think before undertaking such a process they’d check that it was worth doing. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty poor professional to fix a crown and then say it all needed to come out a few months down the line. Obviously when I say ‘you’d’ and ‘then say’ I’m suggesting that this might actually be the same individual who carried out both actions which clearly isn’t true. No, my surgery uses the ‘British Gas blame disemination’ technique which involves ensuring that each and every engineer that visits your property (or mouth), is always an entirely different individual from the last and indeed, any previous visits. It’s entirely feasible that the person that installs your condensing pipe in the afternoon, is a completely different one from the chap who ripped out your boiler in the morning.

“Oh no, only Bob can install pipes, I’m a boiler remover.”

You get to the stage where you can’t even remember which dentist has done which shoody piece of tom foolery in your mouth (even if you could you’d be struggling to remember if it was Armdando or Armundo) and then the receptionist will roll her eyes at her colleague to say ‘he can’t even remember which dentist he had, anything he says from this point onwards can be ignored’, and end up angrily having to pay up for being royally rogered all for keeping a smile on your face.